Love life like yourself ?!?!?

serous relationship
May 27, 2011, 6:44 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

From: Jason

Dear Rabbi,

Until now I’ve been in a series of casual relationships

without any commitment. Recently, I’ve started to think

that since I’m getting older, it may be time to start

thinking about getting into a more serous relationship in

order to get married. I am just having a really hard time

dealing with the idea that you could be with the same

person for the rest of your life. And also, how could you

possibly not be attracted to other people while you’re

married? What do you think?

Dear Jason,

It sounds from your question that the types of

relationships you’ve had are based on physical attraction and

mutual convenience.

It’s no wonder, then, why they’ve been casual and why

you have trouble seeing how a relationship could last and be

fulfilling for the rest of your life.

As far as convenience is concerned, today’s convenience

is tomorrow’s burden. So how could you stay with one

person for so long? And as far as “looks” are concerned, 1)

looks get old and 2) as one gets old, good looks go. So how

could you not look around?

Before eyeing the alternative, let’s play out your scenario.

Be assured that as her good looks grow old, or as she

grows old and her good looks go, the same thing is

happening to you. For the very same reasons, you’re

becoming less attractive to her. So you’re not the only one

looking for “greener grass”. Just as you’re looking at others,

so is she. And what’s more, you two aren’t the only ones.

Just as the two of you are eyeing others, so others are eyeing

you – and “yours”. In fact, in a society whose relationships

are based on your model, everybody is tired of every body

they “have”, while desiring everybody else. That’s sick.


Furthermore, even if while looking around, theoretically,

you would change pasture to the other side of the fence,

leave one relationship that started with attraction to another

which currently seems more attractive, then what?

Eventually, what happened to the older would happen to this

newer. Namely, it would get old, and the same person you

looked toward with such interest, you’d now look away

from toward another. So what was this newer relationship

worth in the first place? And where will such relationships

take you? Out of the meadow and into the swamp!

So what’s the alternative?

Take the advice of our Sages who said: Love which is

based on external factors, when the externals go, so does

the love. Love which is not based on external factors, even

if the externals go, the love remains.

Healthy, long-lasting and fulfilling relationships must be

based less on good looks and more on good character. Good

looks go; goodness grows. This means that while physical

attraction diminishes over time for the reasons mentioned

above, good people generally become even better people

over time. They mature well, their good disposition inclines

them to refine themselves, and they actually become more

pleasant and attractive as time passes. Love for such a

person for such reasons will not wane but only grow with

time. And in a society where it’s every person’s responsibility

to be such a person, good, wholesome, productive, stable

and lasting relationships thrive.

This doesn’t mean that if you merit finding and building

such a relationship that you would never be challenged by

looking over the fence, but recalling how distasteful and

even harmful that deceivingly “greener grass” is should keep you home pasture.


4 Comments so far
Leave a comment

How many times can this Rabbi recycle the same fkn point with different words ?

Comment by LEAH KLEIM

It good for the environment.

Comment by Fargo

Yeah ok, get creative.

Comment by LEAH KLEIM

Or go green.

Comment by LEAH KLEIM

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